On Self-Image

To be honest, I'm not quite sure how to begin this entry. So here goes. I'm not looking for compliments on my appearance: this is by no means a cheap ploy of self-bashing, fishing for cheap contradictions or flattery. This is merely expressing my feelings and honest opinions on one of the most uncomfortable topics imaginable I can possibly discuss --- myself.

I used to be fat. It's a rather bizarre statement to make, but one - at least in my mind - that pretty much sums things up for me. I was never obese or even grossly overweight for that matter, but growing up, I was chubby enough that playground teasing had enough to sink its sharp little teeth into and hold on tight. Those little teeth evolved into the uncomfortable self-consciousness of being the awkward girl among skinny friends, later becoming one-piece-swimsuit shame amid two-piece bikini flirting. I used to wear clothes that were, almost as a rule, two sizes too big (and, more often than not, black or dark blue). By junior year of high school I was pushing 200 lbs, and I remember crying as I looked at the scale. Hard.

My family moved from Minnesota to Georgia during my junior year, and I distinctly remember sitting alone every lunch period bitterly reading a book and eating tasteless cafeteria fare, trying to look as nonchalant as possible. I guess that was the roughest point of high school right there: being so alone that there was nothing to distract me from myself. I discovered quite a bit, having to pick myself up and figure out what to do with a shitty situation and, more importantly, trying to figure out who the hell I wanted to be in the process. I also decided that that "me" didn't include being 200 lbs or wearing shapeless clothes that don't flatter. And just for the hell of it I shortened my name to go along with it all. Over the course of the school year, I lost more than 30 lbs on the idiot-proof "eat less, move more" diet. I distinctly remember going out with one of my friends at the end of the year to try on sun dresses, just for the fun of it: and I fit into every single one I pulled out.

Unfortunately, there's a lot that didn't change along with the scale.

Don't get me wrong: I'm not unhappy. Eating or behavioral disorders have never been even a blip on my radar, nor will they ever become one. Today, I'm not as small, but I eat incredibly healthy and I'm fairly active (an aspect which can ALWAYS be improved upon, of course). I'm at a rather comfortable equilibrium weight that stays fairly consistent with my current lifestyle. If I had to stay at this size for the rest of my life I would not be disappointed.

What I'm talking about is the fact that, despite knowing that I am not at all the size I was, I'm still living with the "fat Cassie" mindset and - more importantly - the "fat Cassie" commentary inside my head. For the most part I've been able to turn over a new leaf and recognize the beauty of being in my own skin. However, there's still the deeply ingrained self-loathing that seeps through and sours the confidence. It's the part that looks out at the mirror and surges up in disgust at a pasty, chunky stomach, the part that nervously tugs shirts down over spill-over waistline pudge, the part that claws at bra-strap back flub and lower belly rolls, wishing beyond all hope that nails could make fat disappear. It's what keeps me from wearing shorts, trying to hide jiggling thighs, keeps me from wearing those sexy little dresses that can't hide the extra lumps and bumps.

Talking about it, I feel so very vain. I mean come on. Complaining about how you look? Wishing you could change certain areas of your body? How original.

I don't want to be skinny or rail thin. I like my curves as well as my proportions; I just want to make sure my body is as healthy as can be so I can enjoy it longer. Most importantly, I want to be content in my own skin, without the "fat Cassie" criticism. I'm sick of walking past a mirror on an off day and dissolving into tears thanks to a barrage of self-abusive talk in my head. I dread wearing swimsuits, and I'd rather be caught dead than be seen in a two-piece. It's infiltrated my relationships, too: I can't even take a shower with the man I love more than anything without shutting the door and turning off the lights so there's nothing but steam and pitch black. Even then, I want to jump out of my skin whenever hands glide over my stomach. I guess the thing that really terrifies me is the possibility that somehow people will suddenly snap out of it and view me as I see me.

Self-confidence has always been a strong point for me and I'm looking for ways to make my now low self-image strong as well. I've been getting a lot better about how I see myself, from positive thoughts and comments from myself and from the amazing support of my friends and wonderful boyfriend. I'd like to get back into the swing of working out regularly, especially after how amazing it felt to push myself into running every night during freshman year. I've already got the healthy fare down pact. It's all about kicking it up and really sticking to it all... and the only way it's going to happen is if I consciously make it a priority- for my health, for my relationship, for my sanity, for my happiness.

I stumbled upon a link to a pretty remarkable site on "photo therapy". It's the idea of seeing yourself through a camera instead of a mirror and constantly confronting these images and seeing beauty instead of the negative ideas that distort what's really there. It's pretty cool stuff. I get squeamish even now with the idea of photographing myself with nothing to hide behind. As an artist, I think I'll adapt this to my own use in hopes that I'll get over my fear of mirrors. I'm going to sit down with a sketchbook and sketch self-portraits, and not just of my face anymore, but of the areas I can't stand to look at. I've taken a figure drawing class and absolutely loved it (ironically, I think the human body is the most remarkable and beautiful thing on the face of the planet). Perhaps through these exercises I'll eventually start to see myself through the unassuming and honest vision I see with when working in my studio classes. Hell, I hope to love what I see by the end of this.

I'll end with this one quote I keep coming back to, and I can't remember where I came across it: "you can't control how the world perceives you. You can only control how you present yourself to the world." I'm discovering how important it is to present yourself positively to yourself too. It can go a long way.