On Goals and Self-Evaluation

I've been thinking a lot lately about direction. Where I'm coming from, where I'm going, that sort of thing. This was a major focus at LTM in New York a little over a week ago, and I haven't stopped thinking about it since. (For those of you not in AIESEC, it's a conference for members of the leadership team only.)

Having the opportunity to sit down with leaders from around the country was rejuvenating. It's nice to hear that we're not the only chapter picking ourselves back up, and issues we're facing here at UGA are echoed elsewhere as well. I think after a long year of pulling ourselves from a sharp nose dive back into a climb we - Chris, Nick and I - let our minds weigh heavily on all the things we wanted to accomplish but didn't. Sitting down in small group discussions re-focused attention to the little victories we overlooked and took for granted. We pulled out our goal sheets from the beginning of the semester and took a good long look at our performance since then. The conclusion? We're on a roll, and we've got to keep it that way. We're building a reputation for having quality members with amazing passion. Yes there's room for improvement; there always is. I can't wait until next semester when we can hit the ground running and fine tune our action plan.

It was on the plane ride back that I really began to think more about what goals actually mean to me. I find it empowering to make goals for AIESEC as an influential member of our leadership team: numbers for recruitment, events, conference attendance, fundraising, etc. The whole process fills me with optimism, a mad fury of energy, and the urge to get started right away making plans to ensure we reach those goals. It's like once we put these numbers down on paper there's the obligation to leap out of the gate and do everything possible to keep these shiny little beacons ablaze. The constant evaluation is what keeps everything on track and accountable and keeps us steered in the right direction.

So why do I find it so damn hard to stay true to the goals I set for myself?

I throw myself into everything I do 112%, but when it comes to taking time and energy for my own life, I find it difficult to stay accountable. This is why I started up blogging again in the first place: it's the written reminder and a constant reflection that I so badly need. As for staying accountable, ladies and gentlemen, I can proudly say that I am still on track and in the right direction (indicated by my "happy map"). I have almost $600 saved up already for traveling abroad next summer, and it's something I remind myself of every time I step foot into work. It feels good: I promised myself I'd go somewhere (to be determined), and I have a when (next summer). And in order to make it happen, I am working towards this every single time I step through the door of that restaurant. I think this goal thing might just work after all.

No, let's rephrase that. I'm going to make this goal thing work.

And now, here's an update along similar lines: today I turned in my graphic design portfolio for the review. I've spent the last two weeks re-doing and fixing my work from the semester. I've let go of many ideas I was mildly obsessed with and I've thrown designs completely out the window. I made duplicates in many color schemes to chose from, just to be safe. I've gone back with a meticulous eye and fixed everything that could possibly be fixed. I've been feeling some pretty severe anxiety over the past two weeks or so and it's had an impact on being able to fall asleep (not to mention breaking out, being tense all over, and retaining weight on top of it). As a wise man once told me, "all you can do is all you can do."

I can honestly, honestly say that I did everything I could.

The matter is no longer in my hands, so I'm off to studying for my other finals. I think I find out Wednesday or Thursday... We'll see what happens.

Parting words: I'd like to thank each and every person for an amazing conference at LTM, from encouraging (if not threatening) me to go to helping me find a place to stay once I got there. And here's a special thanks to my dad for the frequent flier mile ticket. Also, I'd like to give a shout out to Liz, an amazing AIESECer who just got matched to Morocco and will be leaving in a month, and Stephanie and Michael, both of whom are awaiting matching for this summer as well. Best of luck, and much @ love!!!

Ciao!

"You Are Here"

(After much frustration with Blogger's Spam detection mishaps for the last two and a half weeks, I will simply start ANOTHER blog altogether and ditch the first. Here is the transfered post currently on lockdown... I wash my hands of it.)

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And so, March 23, I begin blogging again... I can't predict how frequently I'll be posting, but here's to scratching an itch in my soul that only writing can soothe.

Here stands my life, at this point in time, as I can feel things spinning beneath me on this rather largish hunk of soil hurling through the cosmos:

I'm in school thanks to the grace of a little something called HOPE Scholarship, working on getting into the Graphic Design program here at UGA. And I'm currently biting my nails over my upcoming review to get into my major: I am one of 32 art students selected from many for the graphic design intro course, and at the end of April, we all submit a portfolio of graphic design work for a panel. From these 32, only 14 get in- and we've only got one shot. It's intimidating as hell; we're all talented, and we all want it. Bad. I'm an art major because I can't imagine going through life in a profession in which my hands don't create beauty. And if I don't get in... well, I guess I'll tackle that if I get to that point.

There's a lot I want to do in life... I want to travel. Not "travel" as in book a hotel and see a few tourist destinations seen on a PBS special one Sunday afternoon. No thank you. By "travel" I mean its synonym of sorts: holistic experiences with soul-shaping profundity. I want to launch myself outside of my comfort zone and challenge my realities. I have itchy feet and an itchy soul that are constantly restless, craving change and the unknown... I want to look out the window to discover something completely different, and in turn, look in the mirror and discover someone stronger and wiser for it.

At this point in time, I am pleased to announce that I have absolutely nothing set in stone. I might be a graphic designer, I might be a journalist, I might be a tumbleweed with a notebook and a camera. More than likely, I will become all of these things at one point or another, and it's something I'm looking forward to. The only thing I know now is that I am OBLIGATED to stay true to me and what I want in life. So I'll let this here "happiness" be my map, and you can bet your ass I'm going to follow wherever it leads me, whatever it takes.

And here's what my map is telling me to do:

- I am going to live abroad next summer. It's not going to be easy, or cheap, but it's something I feel I must do or I'll regret it later. At this point, I'm thinking about Morocco. Or India. Or somewhere in South America. I can decide that part later, but as for now, I'm taking an active role in making sure this happens by putting aside $20 from tips every night I work at the bar, no matter what. I'm never going to get there by wishing I could go; I'm going to get there by actively engaging in whatever it takes to make it happen.

- I am going to do whatever I damn well please in life. So maybe I'll get into Graphic Design, maybe I won't. It doesn't dictate whether or not I'll be a successful graphic designer. And along the same lines, there are plenty of other fields I'd like to explore as well, such as journalism or taking time to travel and write. I'm in college to get a degree, but I am by no means bound by what that little slip of paper says on it.

So I'm here, looking at a blank slate I call my map with glowing little tendrils of happy drifting off in all directions. "You are here." I guess that's a good place to start.

Here's to what lies ahead, and- in the wise words of Joseph Campbell- to following your bliss in order to get there: cheers.