It's coming up on the close of another semester of my college life and, as usual, I have no idea how the hell it slipped by me so fast. I feel like digging my nails into the ground behind me in an effort to slow things down... It's not exactly like I particularly like everything about "now"; I could do without the stress of random unrelated assignments and grading rubric (after fifteen years, grades are getting REALLY old), along with trying to juggle working outside of classes on college income trying to keep my head above the proverbial financial waters. But all this aside, I really, really love being here. And I don't want to race through this without getting the chance to explore, take lots of pictures, and make plenty of stupid decisions.
I'm a graphic design major and loving it. From here on out, my schedule is pretty much set out before me, and I'm on course graduate Fall of 2010. Part of me wishes I could stay here for another year... pick up Spanish, take some more studio classes (what I wouldn't give for space for a ceramics, printmaking, jewelry making, sculpture, or another figure drawing class!), or tack on a second major. But unfortunately my schedule restrictions don't have room for any more classes outside of what's left ahead, and I've got to snag a good internship after classes are done in order for me to graduate. I'm feeling as though I'm tied down from here on out - yes, it'll be good, but there's so much structure it's, well, rigid.
Morocco is underway. Just the fact that things are falling so assuredly into place is incredibly freaky. I've started the process to get myself into the system so I can search/apply for traineeships - I'm aiming for marketing - and I'm applying for my passport first thing after finals. I've now got over $1,600 saved up and estimate that I can put aside at least $700 more come May. Not a lot, but by my calculations with Liz's help (she went to Morocco this summer), I've so far got enough to live and travel comfortably for the summer. Now all I need is the plane ticket and outside travel I choose to embark on: Egypt? Europe? Who knows! All I can say is thank goodness for loan money. I'm starting to count down the months. That's the freaky part. It hasn't quite hit me yet that this is something I'm actually going to make happen, that I'm actually going through with this. Holy shit. Morocco. I'm sure there will be more panic later, so I'll leave that to when it really sinks in.
I can't tell you how amazing it's been, having Adam by my side as support through all of this. My parents are definitely less than enthusiastic about the idea of me going to Morocco - "we'd really rather your first experience abroad be someplace in Europe" - which is understandable, considering they're my parents and it's their job to worry about me. My mom has the wonderful knack of adult logic that unintentionally shoots down my optimism, her latest argument being over how the hell I could even consider spending money I don't have to spare on going abroad in an economy like this. Morocco has become so more than a trip I'm planning for... a year or so ago it was a bar thrown higher than any I'd ever set that is suddenly becoming reachable, it is a promise of excitement and personal challenge that I know will change me forever, but most of all, Morocco is the silent test of whether or not I can actually keep a promise I make to myself, allowing myself to go out and do something I've always dreamed of doing.
I don't know how, but Adam seems to know this. He looked me in the eye and told me something that did more to boost my confidence in this summer than anything else could possibly come close to: "This may not be my dream, but it's something you want to do. By God I'm going to do everything I can to support you and help you make this happen." It literally brought tears to my eyes, and all I could do was sink against his chest and smile in his arms. It's going to suck, being away from each other for the entire summer, but we're now looking at this as an opportunity to soul search what we want to get out of the near post-college future and figure out what we want to go after. We know we'll be just fine in terms of being a relationship, and I think this'll strengthen what we already have. After all, "absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans fires." -Francois de la Rochefoucauld.
Adam is unbelievable. He's blown me away since the day I met him, and now that we're together, I can't see myself touching down again... It sounds incredibly naive, I know. But the more I learn about him, the good, the difficult, the scary, the more I love him for being human. He's got his issues, and I've got mine, and we're open about them and with each other. We want similar things in life and are toying with the idea of living together in the near future. I am well aware of the fact that this whole thing might not last - we both are - and we both can't see ourselves wanting or causing this to end. I'd say these ideas of a future with him are scary... but I feel a bizarre and reassuring sense of calm stability being with him. He's the first person I've ever met that I can honestly say I could see myself winding up with. And what's even more amazing is curling up with him, conversations leading in no particular direction, the two of us realizing that we both feel the same way.
I love him. I have no idea what's ahead for us... I can only hope for the best, and that we both go after what makes us truly happy, and that that leads us to one another along the way. Nobody ever says what to do at this point. Adam and I aren't really sure, so we're just enjoying what we've got going on right now without worrying about things or thinking too far ahead. Right now, I think that's the best possible thing: we're both happy, and that's all that matters.
Chris and I were talking the other day... Another one of our late night, post-AIESEC meeting chats. We were talking about relationships and futures and careers and college: the usual. I have no concrete plans after graduation besides a general compulsion to check out the Pacific Northwest. I have no idea how - or if - this college relationship will adapt to this next stage. He smiled at me. "You're on your way to a career you enjoy, you have a job, and you've found someone you want to be with. Most people would kill for that." I'm not about to argue with him.
At this point in my life, I feel happy; really, REALLY happy. And though things may be moving faster than I'd prefer, I'm not so worried about where I'm being pushed so much as enjoying what I'm being pushed through. Things'll figure themselves out as long as I set myself up for a plethora of options and leave things open to interpretation. And I know I've got a man at my side that'll be there through thick and thin.
Life is good. (Insert smiley here)
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
On Self-Image
To be honest, I'm not quite sure how to begin this entry. So here goes. I'm not looking for compliments on my appearance: this is by no means a cheap ploy of self-bashing, fishing for cheap contradictions or flattery. This is merely expressing my feelings and honest opinions on one of the most uncomfortable topics imaginable I can possibly discuss --- myself.
I used to be fat. It's a rather bizarre statement to make, but one - at least in my mind - that pretty much sums things up for me. I was never obese or even grossly overweight for that matter, but growing up, I was chubby enough that playground teasing had enough to sink its sharp little teeth into and hold on tight. Those little teeth evolved into the uncomfortable self-consciousness of being the awkward girl among skinny friends, later becoming one-piece-swimsuit shame amid two-piece bikini flirting. I used to wear clothes that were, almost as a rule, two sizes too big (and, more often than not, black or dark blue). By junior year of high school I was pushing 200 lbs, and I remember crying as I looked at the scale. Hard.
My family moved from Minnesota to Georgia during my junior year, and I distinctly remember sitting alone every lunch period bitterly reading a book and eating tasteless cafeteria fare, trying to look as nonchalant as possible. I guess that was the roughest point of high school right there: being so alone that there was nothing to distract me from myself. I discovered quite a bit, having to pick myself up and figure out what to do with a shitty situation and, more importantly, trying to figure out who the hell I wanted to be in the process. I also decided that that "me" didn't include being 200 lbs or wearing shapeless clothes that don't flatter. And just for the hell of it I shortened my name to go along with it all. Over the course of the school year, I lost more than 30 lbs on the idiot-proof "eat less, move more" diet. I distinctly remember going out with one of my friends at the end of the year to try on sun dresses, just for the fun of it: and I fit into every single one I pulled out.
Unfortunately, there's a lot that didn't change along with the scale.
Don't get me wrong: I'm not unhappy. Eating or behavioral disorders have never been even a blip on my radar, nor will they ever become one. Today, I'm not as small, but I eat incredibly healthy and I'm fairly active (an aspect which can ALWAYS be improved upon, of course). I'm at a rather comfortable equilibrium weight that stays fairly consistent with my current lifestyle. If I had to stay at this size for the rest of my life I would not be disappointed.
What I'm talking about is the fact that, despite knowing that I am not at all the size I was, I'm still living with the "fat Cassie" mindset and - more importantly - the "fat Cassie" commentary inside my head. For the most part I've been able to turn over a new leaf and recognize the beauty of being in my own skin. However, there's still the deeply ingrained self-loathing that seeps through and sours the confidence. It's the part that looks out at the mirror and surges up in disgust at a pasty, chunky stomach, the part that nervously tugs shirts down over spill-over waistline pudge, the part that claws at bra-strap back flub and lower belly rolls, wishing beyond all hope that nails could make fat disappear. It's what keeps me from wearing shorts, trying to hide jiggling thighs, keeps me from wearing those sexy little dresses that can't hide the extra lumps and bumps.
Talking about it, I feel so very vain. I mean come on. Complaining about how you look? Wishing you could change certain areas of your body? How original.
I don't want to be skinny or rail thin. I like my curves as well as my proportions; I just want to make sure my body is as healthy as can be so I can enjoy it longer. Most importantly, I want to be content in my own skin, without the "fat Cassie" criticism. I'm sick of walking past a mirror on an off day and dissolving into tears thanks to a barrage of self-abusive talk in my head. I dread wearing swimsuits, and I'd rather be caught dead than be seen in a two-piece. It's infiltrated my relationships, too: I can't even take a shower with the man I love more than anything without shutting the door and turning off the lights so there's nothing but steam and pitch black. Even then, I want to jump out of my skin whenever hands glide over my stomach. I guess the thing that really terrifies me is the possibility that somehow people will suddenly snap out of it and view me as I see me.
Self-confidence has always been a strong point for me and I'm looking for ways to make my now low self-image strong as well. I've been getting a lot better about how I see myself, from positive thoughts and comments from myself and from the amazing support of my friends and wonderful boyfriend. I'd like to get back into the swing of working out regularly, especially after how amazing it felt to push myself into running every night during freshman year. I've already got the healthy fare down pact. It's all about kicking it up and really sticking to it all... and the only way it's going to happen is if I consciously make it a priority- for my health, for my relationship, for my sanity, for my happiness.
I stumbled upon a link to a pretty remarkable site on "photo therapy". It's the idea of seeing yourself through a camera instead of a mirror and constantly confronting these images and seeing beauty instead of the negative ideas that distort what's really there. It's pretty cool stuff. I get squeamish even now with the idea of photographing myself with nothing to hide behind. As an artist, I think I'll adapt this to my own use in hopes that I'll get over my fear of mirrors. I'm going to sit down with a sketchbook and sketch self-portraits, and not just of my face anymore, but of the areas I can't stand to look at. I've taken a figure drawing class and absolutely loved it (ironically, I think the human body is the most remarkable and beautiful thing on the face of the planet). Perhaps through these exercises I'll eventually start to see myself through the unassuming and honest vision I see with when working in my studio classes. Hell, I hope to love what I see by the end of this.
I'll end with this one quote I keep coming back to, and I can't remember where I came across it: "you can't control how the world perceives you. You can only control how you present yourself to the world." I'm discovering how important it is to present yourself positively to yourself too. It can go a long way.
I used to be fat. It's a rather bizarre statement to make, but one - at least in my mind - that pretty much sums things up for me. I was never obese or even grossly overweight for that matter, but growing up, I was chubby enough that playground teasing had enough to sink its sharp little teeth into and hold on tight. Those little teeth evolved into the uncomfortable self-consciousness of being the awkward girl among skinny friends, later becoming one-piece-swimsuit shame amid two-piece bikini flirting. I used to wear clothes that were, almost as a rule, two sizes too big (and, more often than not, black or dark blue). By junior year of high school I was pushing 200 lbs, and I remember crying as I looked at the scale. Hard.
My family moved from Minnesota to Georgia during my junior year, and I distinctly remember sitting alone every lunch period bitterly reading a book and eating tasteless cafeteria fare, trying to look as nonchalant as possible. I guess that was the roughest point of high school right there: being so alone that there was nothing to distract me from myself. I discovered quite a bit, having to pick myself up and figure out what to do with a shitty situation and, more importantly, trying to figure out who the hell I wanted to be in the process. I also decided that that "me" didn't include being 200 lbs or wearing shapeless clothes that don't flatter. And just for the hell of it I shortened my name to go along with it all. Over the course of the school year, I lost more than 30 lbs on the idiot-proof "eat less, move more" diet. I distinctly remember going out with one of my friends at the end of the year to try on sun dresses, just for the fun of it: and I fit into every single one I pulled out.
Unfortunately, there's a lot that didn't change along with the scale.
Don't get me wrong: I'm not unhappy. Eating or behavioral disorders have never been even a blip on my radar, nor will they ever become one. Today, I'm not as small, but I eat incredibly healthy and I'm fairly active (an aspect which can ALWAYS be improved upon, of course). I'm at a rather comfortable equilibrium weight that stays fairly consistent with my current lifestyle. If I had to stay at this size for the rest of my life I would not be disappointed.
What I'm talking about is the fact that, despite knowing that I am not at all the size I was, I'm still living with the "fat Cassie" mindset and - more importantly - the "fat Cassie" commentary inside my head. For the most part I've been able to turn over a new leaf and recognize the beauty of being in my own skin. However, there's still the deeply ingrained self-loathing that seeps through and sours the confidence. It's the part that looks out at the mirror and surges up in disgust at a pasty, chunky stomach, the part that nervously tugs shirts down over spill-over waistline pudge, the part that claws at bra-strap back flub and lower belly rolls, wishing beyond all hope that nails could make fat disappear. It's what keeps me from wearing shorts, trying to hide jiggling thighs, keeps me from wearing those sexy little dresses that can't hide the extra lumps and bumps.
Talking about it, I feel so very vain. I mean come on. Complaining about how you look? Wishing you could change certain areas of your body? How original.
I don't want to be skinny or rail thin. I like my curves as well as my proportions; I just want to make sure my body is as healthy as can be so I can enjoy it longer. Most importantly, I want to be content in my own skin, without the "fat Cassie" criticism. I'm sick of walking past a mirror on an off day and dissolving into tears thanks to a barrage of self-abusive talk in my head. I dread wearing swimsuits, and I'd rather be caught dead than be seen in a two-piece. It's infiltrated my relationships, too: I can't even take a shower with the man I love more than anything without shutting the door and turning off the lights so there's nothing but steam and pitch black. Even then, I want to jump out of my skin whenever hands glide over my stomach. I guess the thing that really terrifies me is the possibility that somehow people will suddenly snap out of it and view me as I see me.
Self-confidence has always been a strong point for me and I'm looking for ways to make my now low self-image strong as well. I've been getting a lot better about how I see myself, from positive thoughts and comments from myself and from the amazing support of my friends and wonderful boyfriend. I'd like to get back into the swing of working out regularly, especially after how amazing it felt to push myself into running every night during freshman year. I've already got the healthy fare down pact. It's all about kicking it up and really sticking to it all... and the only way it's going to happen is if I consciously make it a priority- for my health, for my relationship, for my sanity, for my happiness.
I stumbled upon a link to a pretty remarkable site on "photo therapy". It's the idea of seeing yourself through a camera instead of a mirror and constantly confronting these images and seeing beauty instead of the negative ideas that distort what's really there. It's pretty cool stuff. I get squeamish even now with the idea of photographing myself with nothing to hide behind. As an artist, I think I'll adapt this to my own use in hopes that I'll get over my fear of mirrors. I'm going to sit down with a sketchbook and sketch self-portraits, and not just of my face anymore, but of the areas I can't stand to look at. I've taken a figure drawing class and absolutely loved it (ironically, I think the human body is the most remarkable and beautiful thing on the face of the planet). Perhaps through these exercises I'll eventually start to see myself through the unassuming and honest vision I see with when working in my studio classes. Hell, I hope to love what I see by the end of this.
I'll end with this one quote I keep coming back to, and I can't remember where I came across it: "you can't control how the world perceives you. You can only control how you present yourself to the world." I'm discovering how important it is to present yourself positively to yourself too. It can go a long way.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
A Most Wonderful Email
"The graphic design faculty have reviewed the work of both sections of current ARGD 2010 class. All work from both classes, as well as work resubmitted, was reviewed at the same time. Over all, the work was of extremely high quality, and selecting the top fourteen students was a difficult task. Each faculty looked at the work, and then we reviewed the work together as a group. I know it will come as a disappointment for those of you who were not selected at this time. I wish we were able to take everyone of you because Mr. Arnholm and Mr. Murawski said you were a hard working and dedicated group. After much deliberation and discussion we would like to welcome the following students into the program.
Sincerely,
Lanny Webb
Professor of Art
Area Head Graphic Design
Elliot S.
Cassandra Olson
Elaine O.
NIcole B.
Lindsey H.
Jaclyn T.
Krista L.
Jeremy D.
Kelley B.
Samira K.
Allison W.
Mimms C.
Melissa M.
Joshua H."
(((This email was shortly followed by another: )))
"Congratulations! You have been accepted into the graphic design area major. You were accepted based not only on the high quality of your work but also because of the professional manner in which you approach assignments and the collegial attitude with which you relate to your instructors and fellow students. The graphic design area awards five to seven scholarships annually based on these traits which are essential to your success in our program and in the professional design community.
Again, congratulations to all of you. I look forward to meeting you in the fall. Contact me with any questions. We will be in the process of moving to the new building for the next month, but I will be able to answer email starting the end of next week."
She and I made quite a scene and earned ourselves many well-deserved glares from other study-goers... did we give a damn? Hell no. We both got in...
I did it...
I'm in!
(((This email was shortly followed by another: )))
"Congratulations! You have been accepted into the graphic design area major. You were accepted based not only on the high quality of your work but also because of the professional manner in which you approach assignments and the collegial attitude with which you relate to your instructors and fellow students. The graphic design area awards five to seven scholarships annually based on these traits which are essential to your success in our program and in the professional design community.
This is your gateway to life as a professional designer where you will be working cooperatively with other dedicated, high achieving, creative people. In as little as two years, you may be looking for employment in the industry. Take every opportunity while you are here to push yourself and seek as many answers to each assignment as you can. Do not stop with your first or even second solution. Assignments are starting points in a design direction. The more time you spend on developing solutions, the more you will learn. If you are asked to do ten sketches and you only do ten, you are not in the right profession. If this is not a passion for you, change your area of concentration now.
While there is fierce competition to gain admission into the major, once accepted, you are one of us. Please don't hesitate to ask the upper level students about the program or advice on how this or that might operate. The faculty and students alike take a great deal of pride in the program, and you will make friends that will last a lifetime. Our graduates have a great affinity for the program and the time they spent here, and for that reason when exiting, there is a network of graduates you can tap that can help in securing a new position.
Again, congratulations to all of you. I look forward to meeting you in the fall. Contact me with any questions. We will be in the process of moving to the new building for the next month, but I will be able to answer email starting the end of next week."
She and I made quite a scene and earned ourselves many well-deserved glares from other study-goers... did we give a damn? Hell no. We both got in...
I did it...
I'm in!
Monday, April 28, 2008
On Goals and Self-Evaluation
I've been thinking a lot lately about direction. Where I'm coming from, where I'm going, that sort of thing. This was a major focus at LTM in New York a little over a week ago, and I haven't stopped thinking about it since. (For those of you not in AIESEC, it's a conference for members of the leadership team only.)
Having the opportunity to sit down with leaders from around the country was rejuvenating. It's nice to hear that we're not the only chapter picking ourselves back up, and issues we're facing here at UGA are echoed elsewhere as well. I think after a long year of pulling ourselves from a sharp nose dive back into a climb we - Chris, Nick and I - let our minds weigh heavily on all the things we wanted to accomplish but didn't. Sitting down in small group discussions re-focused attention to the little victories we overlooked and took for granted. We pulled out our goal sheets from the beginning of the semester and took a good long look at our performance since then. The conclusion? We're on a roll, and we've got to keep it that way. We're building a reputation for having quality members with amazing passion. Yes there's room for improvement; there always is. I can't wait until next semester when we can hit the ground running and fine tune our action plan.
It was on the plane ride back that I really began to think more about what goals actually mean to me. I find it empowering to make goals for AIESEC as an influential member of our leadership team: numbers for recruitment, events, conference attendance, fundraising, etc. The whole process fills me with optimism, a mad fury of energy, and the urge to get started right away making plans to ensure we reach those goals. It's like once we put these numbers down on paper there's the obligation to leap out of the gate and do everything possible to keep these shiny little beacons ablaze. The constant evaluation is what keeps everything on track and accountable and keeps us steered in the right direction.
So why do I find it so damn hard to stay true to the goals I set for myself?
I throw myself into everything I do 112%, but when it comes to taking time and energy for my own life, I find it difficult to stay accountable. This is why I started up blogging again in the first place: it's the written reminder and a constant reflection that I so badly need. As for staying accountable, ladies and gentlemen, I can proudly say that I am still on track and in the right direction (indicated by my "happy map"). I have almost $600 saved up already for traveling abroad next summer, and it's something I remind myself of every time I step foot into work. It feels good: I promised myself I'd go somewhere (to be determined), and I have a when (next summer). And in order to make it happen, I am working towards this every single time I step through the door of that restaurant. I think this goal thing might just work after all.
No, let's rephrase that. I'm going to make this goal thing work.
And now, here's an update along similar lines: today I turned in my graphic design portfolio for the review. I've spent the last two weeks re-doing and fixing my work from the semester. I've let go of many ideas I was mildly obsessed with and I've thrown designs completely out the window. I made duplicates in many color schemes to chose from, just to be safe. I've gone back with a meticulous eye and fixed everything that could possibly be fixed. I've been feeling some pretty severe anxiety over the past two weeks or so and it's had an impact on being able to fall asleep (not to mention breaking out, being tense all over, and retaining weight on top of it). As a wise man once told me, "all you can do is all you can do."
I can honestly, honestly say that I did everything I could.
The matter is no longer in my hands, so I'm off to studying for my other finals. I think I find out Wednesday or Thursday... We'll see what happens.
Parting words: I'd like to thank each and every person for an amazing conference at LTM, from encouraging (if not threatening) me to go to helping me find a place to stay once I got there. And here's a special thanks to my dad for the frequent flier mile ticket. Also, I'd like to give a shout out to Liz, an amazing AIESECer who just got matched to Morocco and will be leaving in a month, and Stephanie and Michael, both of whom are awaiting matching for this summer as well. Best of luck, and much @ love!!!
Ciao!
Having the opportunity to sit down with leaders from around the country was rejuvenating. It's nice to hear that we're not the only chapter picking ourselves back up, and issues we're facing here at UGA are echoed elsewhere as well. I think after a long year of pulling ourselves from a sharp nose dive back into a climb we - Chris, Nick and I - let our minds weigh heavily on all the things we wanted to accomplish but didn't. Sitting down in small group discussions re-focused attention to the little victories we overlooked and took for granted. We pulled out our goal sheets from the beginning of the semester and took a good long look at our performance since then. The conclusion? We're on a roll, and we've got to keep it that way. We're building a reputation for having quality members with amazing passion. Yes there's room for improvement; there always is. I can't wait until next semester when we can hit the ground running and fine tune our action plan.
It was on the plane ride back that I really began to think more about what goals actually mean to me. I find it empowering to make goals for AIESEC as an influential member of our leadership team: numbers for recruitment, events, conference attendance, fundraising, etc. The whole process fills me with optimism, a mad fury of energy, and the urge to get started right away making plans to ensure we reach those goals. It's like once we put these numbers down on paper there's the obligation to leap out of the gate and do everything possible to keep these shiny little beacons ablaze. The constant evaluation is what keeps everything on track and accountable and keeps us steered in the right direction.
So why do I find it so damn hard to stay true to the goals I set for myself?
I throw myself into everything I do 112%, but when it comes to taking time and energy for my own life, I find it difficult to stay accountable. This is why I started up blogging again in the first place: it's the written reminder and a constant reflection that I so badly need. As for staying accountable, ladies and gentlemen, I can proudly say that I am still on track and in the right direction (indicated by my "happy map"). I have almost $600 saved up already for traveling abroad next summer, and it's something I remind myself of every time I step foot into work. It feels good: I promised myself I'd go somewhere (to be determined), and I have a when (next summer). And in order to make it happen, I am working towards this every single time I step through the door of that restaurant. I think this goal thing might just work after all.
No, let's rephrase that. I'm going to make this goal thing work.
And now, here's an update along similar lines: today I turned in my graphic design portfolio for the review. I've spent the last two weeks re-doing and fixing my work from the semester. I've let go of many ideas I was mildly obsessed with and I've thrown designs completely out the window. I made duplicates in many color schemes to chose from, just to be safe. I've gone back with a meticulous eye and fixed everything that could possibly be fixed. I've been feeling some pretty severe anxiety over the past two weeks or so and it's had an impact on being able to fall asleep (not to mention breaking out, being tense all over, and retaining weight on top of it). As a wise man once told me, "all you can do is all you can do."
I can honestly, honestly say that I did everything I could.
The matter is no longer in my hands, so I'm off to studying for my other finals. I think I find out Wednesday or Thursday... We'll see what happens.
Parting words: I'd like to thank each and every person for an amazing conference at LTM, from encouraging (if not threatening) me to go to helping me find a place to stay once I got there. And here's a special thanks to my dad for the frequent flier mile ticket. Also, I'd like to give a shout out to Liz, an amazing AIESECer who just got matched to Morocco and will be leaving in a month, and Stephanie and Michael, both of whom are awaiting matching for this summer as well. Best of luck, and much @ love!!!
Ciao!
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
"You Are Here"
(After much frustration with Blogger's Spam detection mishaps for the last two and a half weeks, I will simply start ANOTHER blog altogether and ditch the first. Here is the transfered post currently on lockdown... I wash my hands of it.)
* * * * *
And so, March 23, I begin blogging again... I can't predict how frequently I'll be posting, but here's to scratching an itch in my soul that only writing can soothe.
Here stands my life, at this point in time, as I can feel things spinning beneath me on this rather largish hunk of soil hurling through the cosmos:
I'm in school thanks to the grace of a little something called HOPE Scholarship, working on getting into the Graphic Design program here at UGA. And I'm currently biting my nails over my upcoming review to get into my major: I am one of 32 art students selected from many for the graphic design intro course, and at the end of April, we all submit a portfolio of graphic design work for a panel. From these 32, only 14 get in- and we've only got one shot. It's intimidating as hell; we're all talented, and we all want it. Bad. I'm an art major because I can't imagine going through life in a profession in which my hands don't create beauty. And if I don't get in... well, I guess I'll tackle that if I get to that point.
There's a lot I want to do in life... I want to travel. Not "travel" as in book a hotel and see a few tourist destinations seen on a PBS special one Sunday afternoon. No thank you. By "travel" I mean its synonym of sorts: holistic experiences with soul-shaping profundity. I want to launch myself outside of my comfort zone and challenge my realities. I have itchy feet and an itchy soul that are constantly restless, craving change and the unknown... I want to look out the window to discover something completely different, and in turn, look in the mirror and discover someone stronger and wiser for it.
At this point in time, I am pleased to announce that I have absolutely nothing set in stone. I might be a graphic designer, I might be a journalist, I might be a tumbleweed with a notebook and a camera. More than likely, I will become all of these things at one point or another, and it's something I'm looking forward to. The only thing I know now is that I am OBLIGATED to stay true to me and what I want in life. So I'll let this here "happiness" be my map, and you can bet your ass I'm going to follow wherever it leads me, whatever it takes.
And here's what my map is telling me to do:
- I am going to live abroad next summer. It's not going to be easy, or cheap, but it's something I feel I must do or I'll regret it later. At this point, I'm thinking about Morocco. Or India. Or somewhere in South America. I can decide that part later, but as for now, I'm taking an active role in making sure this happens by putting aside $20 from tips every night I work at the bar, no matter what. I'm never going to get there by wishing I could go; I'm going to get there by actively engaging in whatever it takes to make it happen.
- I am going to do whatever I damn well please in life. So maybe I'll get into Graphic Design, maybe I won't. It doesn't dictate whether or not I'll be a successful graphic designer. And along the same lines, there are plenty of other fields I'd like to explore as well, such as journalism or taking time to travel and write. I'm in college to get a degree, but I am by no means bound by what that little slip of paper says on it.
So I'm here, looking at a blank slate I call my map with glowing little tendrils of happy drifting off in all directions. "You are here." I guess that's a good place to start.
Here's to what lies ahead, and- in the wise words of Joseph Campbell- to following your bliss in order to get there: cheers.
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